In Accounts of Nala
by Sulkie Wolfen
Summary: What truly is Nala, in the twisted and remorseful mind of Scar? Certainly not this.


**In Accounts of Nala...**

**Summary : **Scar talks about how he feels about Nala. PG for violence and just general darkness, mainly. Seriously Scar/Nala, so if you're not a fan of that sort of thing, get out. Now.

**Disclaimer : **I think that all the characters in here are Disney. I'll tell you; Scar, Nala, and Zazu are. I don't own The Lion King... you knew that, right?

**Notes : **This is my personal favorite of my romance/angst/Scar/Nala fan-fiction. Sorry I haven't uploaded in a while, guys. Did you miss me? My life is really piling on top of me at the moment. I feel trapped in a proverbial hell. My best friend keeps making all these wrong decisions... I want to help her so much, but she gets infuriated with me if I show concern towards her. She has it in her mind that she's great and brilliant and that if I want to help her, it means I think she's stupid. Please forgive me for my absence. Stress is piling all over me. Now, without further ado, In Accounts of Nala, brought to you by I, sulkenwolfpup.

My life was never perfect. Never was I adored by my subjects... There was only ever one thought on my mind; "why... why... why..."

Time and time again, the question buzzed in my mind like a yellow jacket; painful, hateful, ... fascinatingly so. Harmless unless the wrong move is made... and if so... painful like death. But more strong was my feeling than a freshly deepened sting of the yellow jacket... more like a dagger.

Then one day; I let it go. No longer could I hold within me the pressure... the pain... of being so alone. So finally I let my feelings spread to the public...

"Zazu? Why am I not... loved?" I had asked. For so long... my mind had told me time and time again, "why am I not loved? Why am I not loved?" And finally, I said it aloud. "I am that rare and awesome thing; I'm every inch a king. Yet, I feel, a twinge of doubt... as I go walk about. When my name is whispered through the pride... is this talk of love, or regicide?"

Who is to blame for it? When this is the question at hand... I answer without hesitation. Mufasa. My brother... my villain. The one always shadowing me...

"Even in death, his shadow looms over me there he is! No; there he is! And there!"

"Calm yourself Sire, or you'll get another one of your splitting headaches!" Another one of your... ah yes, so appropriate. And so true... he spoke the truth so well. I had them often; had become rather famed for them... actually. Sort of an odd claim-to-fame, but it was there, and impossible to avoid.

"I am perfectly fine!" I had snapped at him... but I was not "perfectly fine". Far from it. I was troubled; haunted... afraid of my own mind. Beside that; I did not need the warning, I knew it was there, and I didn't care. I knew it was coming; his warning, and my pain. Then why did I so sensitively outburst at it's come? Why am I so sensitive about my pain? I think this; and so are tears tempted to form in my eyes... just thinking about it... but I fight. I do not know why, how would I? But it's there; my rather humiliating claim-to-fame and the feelings that came with it. The sorrow that came, the emotions... the emotions that made me so fearful of my own mind.

I went so mad about it, right in front of them all... but did I care? It is horrible to be afraid of your own mind, I feel I am entitled to say, and my mind burst open with my sorrow.

I'm better than Mufasa was! I'm revered I am reviled! I'm idolized I am despised! I'm keeping calm. I'm going wild!

I tell myself I'm fine;

yes I am

no you're not

yes I am

no you're not; I tell myself I'm fine

no you're not

yes I am

no you're not

yes I am

no you're not

yes

no

yes

no... who am I talking to?

The answer is so obvious... myself.

"Pull yourself together, Sire!" Ah, yes... pull yourself together... a line I had said so many times before to myself... he tells me to pull myself together. To pull together my so far divided personality... to pull together my dual megalomania...

Why? Why? Why? What is it I don't have?

"Do you want the short list or the long?"

Adoring subjects... a loving family...

a devoted queen -

And I thought, "that's it. I need a queen! A queen, man, a queen! Without a queen, what am I? A dead end, no line, no descendants, no future! With a queen... I'll have cubs! Immortality will be mine! Immortality will be mine!"

Ah... but so much more than immortality. So much more than mere immortality would be mine... if only the right one to be my queen. ... But who would want me? Me, the unruly, mad, uncaring ruler of the pride... who would want a madman?

But there you stood; in front of me. With beautiful eyes glistening in terror, beautiful paws poised upon the ground, your beautiful complexion crinkled... but I didn't care... if you could be mine... you... Nala... ah, yes. Now there's a queen.

"Ah, Nala... your timing couldn't have been more perfect... my, how you've grown," These had been the thoughts, coursing through my mind so desperately... but to my remorse, you ignored them.

"Scar, you have to do something! We're being forced to over-hunt!"

Neither payed mind to the other; both so caught in their own worry... their own headache... their own misery... their own problems... but I looked upon you with cub eyes... seeing you so differently than I had before... and though I didn't know it in that moment... I know now... it was love.

"She's got those assets feminine!" My thoughts were racing... but you ignored my love-stricken mind. "I have to make her mine!"

"You're the king control the hyenas! They're destroying the Pride Lands!"

"Nobility in every gene; she has to be my queen!"

Alas... you ignored me... you hardly realized what I was saying... but I was in love... love in the most literal way. Dying... in my love. "Come, sweet Nala, it's written in the stars!"; finally I spoke to you.

"Where? W-what're you doing? Are you listening to me?"

Ah, but I wasn't. All I listened to was my rapid thoughts... Nala... so beautiful... so lovely...

"We'll create a host of little scars!"

"What are you talking about? Get away from me!"

"Tell me I'm adored!" Ah, yes... if I could just hear that... from someone it would mean something from. If you could just tell me... tell me I'm adored... everything would be so different... so lovely... so brilliant. "Tell me I'm adore-"

I knew it was coming. I knew you couldn't hang on with your words forever... and I'd heard of your legendary strength... still, although I knew it was coming... it was so lethally painful... so like death, I could hardly stand. Your long claws... on my face, over my scar. Over the most painful area of my body, (disregarding my brain and thoughts) over my scar.

"Oh... Nala..." I tried so hard to gather myself, but I felt the tears, hot, sticky, salty... come pouring down my face. Still, I had to keep my dignity... not let my voice fall apart... "You know... how I loathe violence..." There had to be something I could do to show you I was as strong as you, "one way or another; you will be mine!"

"Oh, never Scar! Never!"

... Never? Not... for a million zebras? Not to save a life? Not to save a heart, a brain... not to save a life? "You belong to me!" I said, still fighting to stay strong, to prove to you that I was something more... "you all belong to me ahh!"

You left before my outburst... for that, I am grateful. But I let so much go in those few seconds... in one simple "ahh!"; all of my feelings were unleashed... I let go of my inner self... letting it take over... not caring of what others thought. You walked away... rejected me... so like all others in my life. All relationships were not forever; everyone had so left me... tearing a hole right through my already somewhat disordered mind.

I know you don't love me; such a fact is so obvious. But if only you could understand... the pain I feel... and how it would so be resolved if only I had a queen. But... obviously you don't feel the same way around me.

I'm such an idiot; a disordered idiot. An insane idiot. What less could one want in a lion? What less... could one want in anything... except... food. Food. Ah, yes, that's what I am. Something to be feasted upon, something for the others to dig their powerful claws and teeth into... for like food, I am weak. Physically, I couldn't hurt a fly. Not with my weakened, skinny, grounded corpse. That's right, Nala, corpse. For I might as well be dead. I am mentally challenged... so psychopathic... so afraid of my own mind and thoughts. Emotionally... I can't even accept your "no". I can't even accept Zazu's tattles. When one insults me... I fall so... apart. I sit here, so horrified with life, but so fearing death. All the while I'm slowly dying here... dying in my thoughts... my weakness... my cowardice.

And so I attack you. Not with my broken, trembling claws; not with my yellowed, rotting teeth... but with my mind. With my tattered, disordered, mad, love-stricken mind. You would never understand love; but I want you so badly... the pain I felt when you raked my face was like a thousand cub-teeth... cutting into me... destroying me.

You don't know what love is... do you? Perhaps... if you... knew... what love was... you would understand. I'm sorry, I'm making no sense. Why do I... bother writing? I don't even know if you write in the same language... if you even... know... how... to write. Then what am I wasting my time for? Don't I have better things to do...?

"No," I tell myself, "no." For what else could I be doing with my life? With my useless, distasteful... awful... life? Maybe I'm not even writing to you. Maybe I'm just writing to myself. It seems I converse with my own mind... or with... the other half of my mind... quite often lately. I wasn't... always... this way. Then... why do I... now...? Why do I feel so tortured; so lost; only now?

Because earlier in my life... I always had something to think about. In my young life... I wanted to be king. Then... I wanted to be adored. No more. Now... all I can think about... is... you. Your radiant beauty, your affection... your charm... I've been loving you with all I've got for so long, it seems. But... it's only been... a few days.

You fled, when I came up to you... and asked you... if you'd be... my... bride. That gives me proof. You hate me so. You hate me like the rest of the pride... then... why do I care so much?

Because... I... care for you. I've never felt love; not in this sense; it so takes over my mind... you are all I can think of... I feel... so... torn now that you left me. Now that you... rejected me.

Well Nala? If only you could have lived your perfect life with your "real" boyfriend... Simba. Then, perhaps at least one life would be perfected. If my life be so horrible; may yours be filled with peace and happiness.

I only wish I could make it so.

**_Many Regrets._**

_**The King Un-adored;**_

_**known here as Scar.**_


End file.
